Visiting the past

Returning to all our favorite places seems important right now. Searching for signs of our life together, and wanting so badly to start making sense of things is an obsession. Why did I marry the particular person and what would it have been like if we had never met? What could I have done differently to have it end happily ever after for John and me, for Seth? The beauty we shared in the places we went, the love and laughter with all of the people we knew are embedded in my heart and fill me with gratitude. Yet I ache without a soulmate to help me navigate this world and all its challenges.
Today at the lake, I took the red kayak out with a slight breeze, and a chill in the air. Afterwards, it was warm enough to take a swim, then lay there soaking up the delicious rays of the sun. I used to get too restless to lay down and relax, but find it comforting now. There is no more trampoline (they took it in for the winter), but the place is still a real haven, at least for today.

now the writing begins

One of the dearest friends I have ever known has urged me to write about my late husband and also about the son we lost so that I can cope with the incredible sorrow that has crept up on me now that I have time to think about these events. Prior to this time, I have kept myself totally closed to possibilities of free time by keeping very busy.
Other people have helped me so much, especially by offering such things as a walk or a trip to the ocean. When these are given with nothing attached but friendship, I feel wonderful and grateful. It is dealing with the more complex matters involved with men who may present a romantic relationship that cause my heart to ache so that I am hopeless. I miss my late husband terribly.